DIVORCE: Not From the Heart of God A sermon by Worship Pastor Phil Christensen, Cedar Hills Evangelical Free Church I'm a real softie for high-profile love affairs. It's like a fairy tale romance when two famous people fall in love; maybe it's because we feel like these people are part of our lives, and we enjoy their joy. It felt good knowing that Christy Brinkley was Billy Joel's Uptown Girl. And Tom and Nicole, America's sweethearts, really grabbed me in "Far and Away." They acted out a love so powerful it could raise the dead – but because they really were in love, it seemed believable. And Bogey and Bacall - you don't need home theater to feel the electricity between those two because it was real. And have you ever seen clips of Sonny and Cher in bell bottoms, pointing to each other, singing, "I got you, babe?" Those were beautiful love stories, but they've got something in common that's pretty sad: each of them ended in divorce. They didn't live happily ever. They just went from being high-profile love affairs to being high profile breakups. Divorce, though, doesn't just strike the rich and beautiful; it's an equal opportunity joy-robber that's casing the homes of plain vanilla folks like you and me, too. Randy's study in 1st Corinthians, has led us to Chapter 7, the passage about divorce. It's as relevant as today' Gazette. Before I begin, though, Mitzi and I just want to say thank you for receiving us so gracefully. I know that having a new worship leader is a big adjustment for you, and since we spent over 20 years in our last ministry, you might suspect that having a new church family is a big adjustment for us. Some of you don't know this, but we resigned our post in Oregon only because God spoke to our hearts about you. We didn't seek any church but you. So it's a huge joy to get your many cards and calls telling us that you're encountering Jesus in a deeper, fresher way; this is exactly why we're here. It's just what we've prayed. While Randy is working on his doctoral thesis, several of us will be preaching to help him free up a few hours while he writes. We're glad to do so. I've been looking forward to an opportunity to address you – though I'll admit that I was imagining a subject other than divorce! But I don't believe in chance; there's a reason the lot has fallen to me on this subject, and God has placed things on my heart I need to share. In the Northwest, we had a rock wall with a nice flat surface. It was about a foot wide and maybe 18 inches above the cement patio below. Now in theory, you could ride a bike on that wall, but once you got on that wall, there was no good way to get off it but to fall to the concrete below. I had three little boys, all of whom loved to ride bicycles. I warned them: DON'T RIDE ON THE ROCK WALL. Of course, one of them had to try it – one who will remain unnamed, but he is my middle son – and of course, he fell. Let me ask you a question: Was I more interested in punishing that kid for disobeying me or getting him patched up? That's right. He'd had enough punishment by falling, and he never tried riding on the rock wall again, by the way. My focus was on taking care of his wounds, and getting him back up on his bike. After that, I reinforced to everyone that riding on the rock wall was dangerous. Do you think God might be the same way? I do. There are many in this room who have been ravaged by divorce, and are at various stages of personal healing and restoration. You know first hand how deeply a divorce damages. Isaiah wrote about Jesus, saying that He would not "break a bruised reed." If you feel like a bruised reed today – damaged because of the wrongs you've done or because of the wrongs done to you, it's not His intention to break you, but to build you. In fact, what I really believe He would do with a bruised reed is lift you to His lips and blow life through you – maybe even shape you into a flute and play a beautiful melody through your life. Many in this room stand as a testimony of His rebuilding – you know your Lord as the God of the do-over, God of the second chance! He's given you a new life and rebuilt you on the Solid Rock. You're a trophy of His grace! The firmness with which God's Word speaks today isn't intended to open old wounds; it's lovingly given by God to prevent future wounds. Marriage: God's Plan for a Lifetime (1 Cor. 7:10-16) I know what some of you are thinking: "What could Phil possibly know about marriage problems? He's married to a beauty queen. Mitzi is like Mary Poppins – she's practically perfect!" Well, you're right. I can't argue that. But we've still had lots to learn - remember, she's had to live with ME all these years! Charlie Raab and I were talking about this whole subject last week, and I loved what he told me: he said divorce has simply never been an option for him and Gail. Murder maybe but never divorce. Sadly, divorce is an option that many marriages take. Look at these numbers. Nationwide Number of Marriages vs. Divorces in 1998 Marriages Annually: 2,256,000 Divorces Annually: 1,135,000 Source: National Center for Health Statistics in Hyattsville, MD For every two marriages in America, there's a divorce; that pattern's been holding steady for years. Divorce might be common, but there are no harmless, garden-variety break ups; they're all profoundly hurtful. CS Lewis compared the emotional impact of going through a divorce to having a limb amputated. Divorce Hurts Divorce Devastates children. Divorce is so hard on kids. Little ones that need both parents find themselves feeling the need to choose a side. Because kids are still very self-focused, they imagine that the divorce is somehow their fault. Guilt, insecurity. So hard on kids. Divorce Damages our ability to trust or love again. Paint it however you like, but in a divorce, the person that knows you best has rejected you completely. Our most tender hopes and dreams have been crushed. Divorce Deals a financial blow. I've seen poor people battle over a used car, and pay more in lawyer fees than the car was worth. Assets are liquidated quickly and property divided almost in a panic. Seldom does either partner go on to live as well apart as they might have together. Divorce Begets more Divorce. Newsweek magazine reported that subsequent marriages fail at a 50% higher rate than first marriages. No wonder God says, "I hate divorce." Mal. 2:16 God didn't invent divorce, man did. You'd suppose that divorce wouldn't happen as often to Christians as it does those outside the Kingdom of God. It would seem reasonable that those who have the Spirit of God within them and the Word of God in their hands would have the healthiest marriages. I wish that were true. A couple of weeks ago, Randy quoted a disturbing statistic – Christians are more likely to divorce than non-Christians. Here are the figures that support this: Divorce rates among various church affiliations: 34% Independent Fundamentalists 30% Jewish Faith 29% Baptists 27% People who describe themselves as "Born Again" 25% Average of all Americans 25% Mainline Protestants 24% Mormons 24% People who do not describe themselves as "Born Again" 21% Atheists and agnostics Source: George Barna and Associates Baptists and independent fundamentals are among the most likely people in America to divorce. It happens among our Christian celebrities: Jim Bakker. Amy Grant. Sandy Patty. Richard Roberts. Randy Stonehill. Bob Bennett. Again, my intention is not to denigrate anyone, or heap guilt on those in this room already damaged by divorce. But we've got a problem: Though Scripture contains the secret of relationships, that secret is – statistically - not impacting our marriages – our primary human relationship. And – stranger still – the numbers tell us those branches of Christianity that hold the Bible in the highest regard are having the most trouble with their relationships. This is significant. I've referred dozens of couples to Christian counseling over the years, and believe a terrific counselor is a gift from God. But listen to Dr. William Harley, veteran marriage counselor and author of several great books on marriage: "Almost every [couple] who came to me for help ended up, [like my pastor,] divorced. I wasn't the only one failing to help couples; my supervisor was failing, the director of the clinic was failing, and so were the other marriage counselors who worked with me. "And then I made the most astonishing discovery of all: Most of the marital experts in America were also failing. I learned that marital therapy throughout America had the lowest success rate of any form of therapy. In one study, I read that less than 25% of those surveyed felt that marriage counseling did them any good whatsoever, and a higher percentage felt that it did them more harm than good." Source: William F. Harley, Author of Fall in Love, Stay in Love and His Needs, Her Needs. Being Born Again, Being a member of a fine church – even Cedar Hills, and going to counseling won't divorce-proof your home. It's going to take bigger guns. Let's open the Word of God and try to understand what the Lord has said about divorce. Let's open to 1 Co. 7 starting at verse 10: PRINCIPLES ABOUT DIVORCE FROM 1 CO. 7:10-16 [First Paul addresses married Christians:] 10But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord that the wife should not leave her husband. Principle One: Saints shouldn't divorce Saints. [Paul is reminding us of Jesus' teachings about divorce in Mt. 19, and summarizing the teaching that divorce is man's idea, not God's. Paul is speaking here to married couples who are both Christians, and tells them plainly that divorce is not an option. Saints don't divorce saints. ] [But let's continue in the passage: Scripture isn't unrealistic. We're at verse 11. 11(but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. Principle Two: If married Saints separate, they should either seek reconciliation or remain single. If the relationship deteriorates until life gets unbearable, and a couple just can't live together, Paul tells them not to remarry, but to either reconcile or remain single and separate. The same Biblical principle remains clear: Saints don't divorce Saints. You know, Paul taught in this same letter that a Christian shouldn't take a fellow Believer to court over a dispute. What else is a divorce, but a dispute taken to court? You'll remember that the Biblical model involved mediation, not litigation – the same is true of troubled marriages. Call the elders of the church. God has gifted them to help you. Now in verse 12, Paul speaks to those in mixed marriages, homes in which one member knows Christ and the other doesn't:] 12 But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. Principle Three: A Saint shouldn't initiate a divorce from his/her Non-Christian spouse Many Believers are married to Un-Believers. It's what Scripture calls being "unequally yoked," a mixed marriage. In Corinth, the people had responded to the Gospel and their spouses had not. What we see around us today is so very different: People who have called on the name of the Lord Jesus deliberately choose life partners that have no heart for the things of God. It's true of guys, too, but I see it most often in our girls. Single girls, I wish you would find women who've married non-believers and ask them what it's like after 3, 5, 10, 15, 30 years. I'd like you to hear the stories I've heard. Here are women that have matured into beautiful, wise spiritual dynamos but the subject of Jesus is off limits at their own dinner table. They don't leave their Bibles out, because their husbands get angry just seeing it on the counter. These woman want to see their children go to church, but it's so hard when the husband resents that the family is separated on his day off. Sometimes it's more benign, but it's always an awkward dance when you can't even agree on the music of life. Saint, marry a Saint. And every date is a potential mate. [Back to the text: Awkward dance or not, Paul teaches here that Saints shouldn't divorce a non-christian spouse. He's already appealed to the teaching of Jesus that divorce is never God's best. Christians are to be known as peacemakers, patient. But let's look at the other reasons Paul gives for keeping the marriage intact. It's fascinating:] 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. Principle Four: A Saint should seek to remain with a Non-Christian spouse for the spiritual benefit of that spouse and their children [The potential of your impact on your marriage is huge. Don't underestimate what you bring to your family, Saint. You carry the Holy Spirit within you, and Scripture says your very presence sanctifies the home, sets it apart, makes it holy. Intercede for your family. Knock on the door of heaven until God answers. Peter encourages you to live in such a way that your spouse is won to Jesus without even saying a word! It's like St. Francis said: Share the Gospel at all times; when necessary, use words. Let's keep reading:] 15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. Principle Five: A Saint is released from the marriage if the Non- Christian spouse leaves him or her. [A Saint who's been abandoned by an unbelieving spouse is Biblically freed from the marriage. And though the passage doesn't say it, I believe it implies that re-marriage is appropriate.] Those are the five principles from this passage; they are not complicated. However, the are things NOT addressed in the passage that are very complex, and very emotionally charged. Here are a few Issues not addressed in the passage: What if my spouse is unfaithful? endangers or physically abuses me or the children? psychologically abuses me? undermines the spiritual development of our children? asks me to do something immoral or illegal? doesn't abandon me, but refuses support? claims to be a Believer, but acts worse than most Non- Christians? In our brief time together this morning, I can't even begin to address all these, but God's Word has the answers; if these are issues in your life, please talk to an elder or a pastor here and work these through. But I will address the first two items: There's unfaithfulness, which is sex with someone other than your spouse. Jesus says in Mt. 19:9 that if a spouse is unfaithful, it damages the marital bond so greatly as to make divorce an option. However, He didn't require divorce. Many couples go through infidelity, extend grace, find healing and grow through it. Forgiveness and reconciliation are at the heart of the Gospel. And what about abuse? This I say, not the Lord: if your spouse is abusing you or the children, dial 911 and then call an elder. I understand that you might be afraid of your spouse. And there are financial issues if your spouse is the breadwinner. I understand there is embarrassment. But abuse is demeaning, dangerous and it's illegal. Make the call and let the chips fall. Men, you're called to love your wives as Christ loved the church, but statistics tell me that some of you in this room are abusing them. I love you with the love of the Lord, but only a pathetic bully terrorizes the women or children God has given him as a gift. Call an elder. Ask for help. I know a wife can push your buttons, but nobody accidentally strikes a woman. Get help before your wife dials 911. We've touched lightly on only a few ideas. There's so much more to say; thousands of books have been written on this subject. So many professionals have made this subject their life calling – and they are a gift from God. Go to the conferences, read the books, watch the videos – and do it together. Marriages are like a gardens. Neglect them long enough and they turn into jungles. A little weeding, a little attention, though, and they do well. Let me give you 5 practical characteristics of a healthy marriage. There are probably hundreds, but I've select 5 of my favorites. Five Characteristics of Healthy Marriages They Pray together. (2 Th. 3:1-3) Families that pray together really DO stay together. Several years ago I saw the statistics of divorce among couples that pray – really intercede together – on a daily basis. Divorce among them is virtually non-existent. I looked for that source and couldn't find it – if you have the study, I'd love to see it. But pray together. They Read God's Word together – go beyond "devotions," to true Devotion. (Ps. 119:11) Spend time in the Bible. Read passages together and talk about it. Memorize it together. If you tend to be more of a teacher, and your spouse is more of a student, be careful – this is your time together to just read and ponder. Let God speak to both of you. They Make deposits in the "Love Bank." (Eph. 4:32) William Harley says that every person has a "love bank." We make deposits in each others' accounts with acts of kindness, and when we're harsh or uncaring, we make withdrawals. Wives make unnecessary withdrawals with nagging, with criticism, by downgrading their husbands in front of their children. Husbands make withdrawals by being controlling, by not listening, by forgetting special days. By pouring themselves into their work or the hobbies instead of their wives. When you were first in love, you made continual and generous deposits in the "love bank," you did everything you could possibly think of to please your mate. Consider that this was not only the result of being in love, but one of the reasons that you two were so in love. Love responds to kindness, and it grows. They are self-aware and communicate skillfully. (Ph. 2:1-15) Healthy couples have emotions, but they know they are NOT their emotions. When one feels offended, he or she recognizes the feeling and simply chooses not to be offended. He or she forgives in advance. When their emotions are under control, they let their spouse know that what they said was hurtful, but also tell them that they forgive them. When Mitzi and I were moving last fall, we had a tense moment, and both blew up at each other. While I was still venting, she said very calmly, "There's no reason for you to shout at me. I quit yelling at you." I laughed and realized I hadn't been that mad at her in 10 years! In a hour, I couldn't even remember what it was about. Obviously, it's best if both partners are working at these skills, but even if only one is able, it makes for a much more peaceful home. They treat their spouse with respectful affection, and speak well of each other publicly. (Eph. 5:22-25) Let the world around you know that you love your spouse and that you hold them in high regard. It's good to hold hands in public, and it builds your mate up. Your public coolness tears them down, whether you intend it or not. Tell others the fine qualities of your spouse. About four years ago I was going through a difficult time in ministry. I don't know if Mitzi understands how much I appreciated it, but at a public meeting she just volunteered, "Phil is exactly the same guy at home that he is at church. He acts the same at the dinner table as he does when he's here. He's the real article." I'd been feeling pretty vulnerable, but when I heard those public words, from my own wife, it gave me courage and strength to go the distance. And men, I don't manage it 100% of the time, but I try to open Mitzi's car door – particularly when there are others around. This is just my way of saying, "world, this is a great lady, and she deserves honor." THE BOTTOM LINE In my remaining minutes I feel the need to speak to your heart, and it really is the bottom line. Scripture's prescription for a healthy marriage isn't about information, but about tenderness. THE REAL REASON FOR DIVORCE IS A HARD HEART "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning." - Jesus, in Matthew 19:8 The real culprit behind divorce is a hard heart. The key to a lasting marriage isn't improving our communication skills – though some of us could certainly use help – the solution is to soften our hearts. You can't soften your spouses' heart, but you can soften yours. And you can pray for your spouse and trust the results to God. Think of it – hard hearts. Do you wonder why the marriages of so many conservative Christians are in jeopardy? The reason – according to Jesus – is there are a large number of hard hearts among us. Soften your heart, and your marriage begins to thrive. The divorce problem goes away, just like darkness goes away when you turn on the light. A hard heart happens when we see God's glory and refuse to respond. What's a hard heart? How do you get one? Scripture shows us that a hard heart is one that's clearly seen the glory of God, but will not, will not, will not respond. Let me quickly give you three examples from Scripture. Three Biblical Examples of a Hard Heart: Pharoah (Ex. 5:18) Pharoah. A classic hard-heart story. Pharaoh saw the power of God demonstrated in miracles! Water turned to blood, staffs turned to serpents, frogs, locusts and he still refused to respond and let the Israelites go. A hard, wicked heart. Israel at Marabah (Ps. 95:8) Israel at Merabah. Israel saw the provision of God in fire at night, a cloud by day. A trip across the red sea. Quail delivered. Bread that fell from the sky. Shoes that didn't wear out. And yet, at Merabah they demanded water from Moses and complained that God was NOT WITH THEM. God called them hard-hearted. They had clearly seen the glory of God, but refused to respond to what they saw. The Pharisees (Mark 3:5) The Pharisees were the religious leaders of Israel, and they knew their Old Testament well, and memorized it. Consider what they saw in Jesus: They saw Jesus perform miracles that were astounding! The dead were raised. Limbs grew back. Leprosy was being cleansed. Eyes blind from birth were seeing! Entire crowds of people were being healed! People just touched Jesus and were made whole! We're told that Jesus revealed the VERY GLORY OF GOD, but they refused to respond – and preferred to believe He was a devil. They were the Kings of Hard Hearts. The Author of God's Word came to them - they stood in the presence of God's Glory and refused to respond. Let's come back to divorce: Jesus said that divorce is the result of a hard heart, and Scripture shows us that a hard heart comes from refusing to respond to God's Glory when it's revealed. Let me put those two together for you. Do you remember what is was like when you fell in love? What happened? Your heart was tender, and he or she touched that tender heart. She made you laugh, or made you think, or made you feel important, or maybe just made you feel alive. You felt value, hope, purpose, joy! You felt that maybe, just maybe, you were connected to something bigger than yourself. Suddenly, nothing was impossible. All the hopes, the dreams, the plans – you could never reach them alone but together! Oh, together, you could do anything. "It's just the two of us against the world, Baby and the world doesn't stand a chance!" I know you remember. Tender hearts are crazy, they're wild, they're full of life and impossible risks. They stay up all night and talk, sit silently and watch the sunrise – then they grab a cup of coffee and drive to work. That's what people in love do. Almost universally. Instinctively. I want to plant an idea with you right now. What if all that craziness you felt wasn't just dizzy, silly emotions what if it was God revealing His love and His glory to you? What if that feeling was God giving you a tiny glimpse of what it means to have life abundantly? Suppose that those feelings were God's way of touching you with Himself? His way of calling you into the great adventure of a passionate relationship with Him? If that were so, then most of the people on this planet would have had a first hand opportunity to personally sample God's goodness, love and joy. Most of those who have seen this, sadly, have completely rejected God's love. And what of Believers? It's my observation that not one Christian in 10 experiences the true joy of their salvation. So many have hardened their hearts to a deeper life in Christ. The goal of the Christian life is to be close to the Lord, and to have wonderful fellowship with Him. The goal of the Christian life is to be close to the Lord, and to have wonderful fellowship with Him. Scripture seems to almost exhaust language seeking to get this idea across to us! Dozens of Biblical word pictures like "walking in the light (I Jn. 1:7)," "walking in the Spirit (Gal. 5:16)," "abiding in the Vine (Jn. 15:4)," and "walking with God (Gen. 6:9)" all boil down to the idea of intimacy, nearness to God through Christ Jesus. We're given words like "adoption" (Rm. 8:15) and "marriage" (Rev. 19:7) to help us understand how deeply God loves us, and the familiar phrase "born again" describes how He has made us members of His own family (Jn. 1:12, I Jn. 3:1). Scripture compares the love of a man and wife to the love between Jesus and His People. Divorce doesn't happen primarily because people drift apart or don't communicate well. It's something much worse. Divorce happens because people have hardened their hearts to the great and glorious God Who has revealed Himself in human love. It's my belief from Scripture that divorce happens not primarily because people drift apart or don't communicate skillfully. No, it's something much worse. It's because people have hardened their hearts to the great and glorious God who has revealed Himself in Human Love. I'm holding an instrument tuner in my hands. It's like a strobe tuner. When it comes time to tune the bass, the guitars, the sax, I don't walk around with my guitar and strike an "A" for everyone to tune to – I hand them the tuner. If they're in tune with the Standard, they'll be in tune with each other, too. I wouldn't dare have them use me as the standard – I might be out of tune! That's when I go back to the tuner, the standard, and make the changes in my instrument. If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship one with another " I John 1:7 1 Jn. 1:7 says this: "If we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship one with another." That's like saying, if we are "in tune" with God, we'll be in harmony with each other. We need to get near the Lord, and listen to His great heartbeat – and synchronize hearts to match his. Christian, regardless of whether your spouse is saved, this kind of lifestyle is the right one. And you're only responsible for your half of the equation. You can't do this for your spouse. But if you soften your heart and truly live this kind of supernatural lifestyle, GOD'S GLORY WILL BE ALL AROUND YOU. Let it shine. Your spouse will either soften their heart and respond to God's glory, or they will harden their heart, and reject it. And possibly you in the process. But the good news, Saint, is that either way, you get Jesus.